Another Valentines alone...but things could be worse. I spent the evening last night at a show with a few friends, which was pretty cool. This was in the same venue I watched a show last Valentine's Day but I think this time around was a bit more enjoyable...smaller crowd and more laid back.
I think I had a significant other on one Valentine's Day. I am pretty sure I was trying to watch a hockey game and she wanted to make out and cuddle. I did my best to appear I was playing attention to her while I watched the game on the TV behind her. The entirety of the relationship was pretty much cuddling and making out. This relationship ended in failure, as have all my romantic endeavors.
Will I ever get it right?
Growing up I remember the elementary school crush. Her name was Natalie and I haven't seen or heard from her since fifth or sixth grade. As I recall, an elementary school relationship consisted of a declaration of one liking another and then at recess we'd chase each other around the playground (or in my case the parking lot as our playground was little more than a swing set and teeter totter). I recall at some point she revealed she also liked me and I think I ended up not talking to her for a long time because I didn't know what to do when the liking was reciprocated. I'm afraid that awkwardness has continued to this day to some degree.
I never dated anyone through junior high or high school but my interest was peaked by a few other girls: Sherry & Jeni to name those I remember. My interest was peaked because they were kind toward me. I recall Sherry always said "hi" to me in the hallway between classes & Jeni was always nice to everyone but it struck me personally in a special way at that time. I had no self-esteem at this point. In third grade I got Urkel glasses and felt like I was probably the biggest geek to walk the earth so any nice-ness to me was taken in my mind to be much more than someone being friendly. I never revealed my feelings toward Sherry. She disappeared from my life as well and I don't know what ever happened to her. In the case of Jeni, a friend of mine wrote a love note to her and she (as she should have) informed me she was interested in friendship but didn't think a relationship beyond that would be a good idea since we didn't really know each other well enough. I was relayed this information through a mutual friend and I played off the note as something that meant nothing...at least that's what I tried to do but I don't know how convincing I was. I doubt I had perfected the aloofness at that point.
Alaina came along after high school whilst we attended the same community college. We grew up together but never really had any interest in each other prior to this...I don't think. I know I didn't have any feelings toward Alaina. How it all came together is a bit foggy but it was during the era where I started using the Internet quite frequently. She revealed she was interested in me in one of those surveys that go around much like they do on myspace or facebook today. Somewhat like when I was in elementary school I was a bit unsure how to respond and I think I took a few days to do so and we did hook up eventually but the entire relationship was awkward for me and it probably was a mistake. I only say that because I wasn't in it for the right reasons.
I hold nothing against Alaina regardless of how things went and I am certainly glad we were able to finally move beyond the pain to become friends again. We started out just holding hands and watching movies. We pretty much always watched movies. I wasn't sure how to go about making the first move and she ended up doing that most of the time. We didn't kiss until about 2 or 3 months into the relationship and that was because she was upset we hadn't so I eventually felt like I better kiss her which of course then led to watching movies and making out for the rest of the relationship.
Things fell apart when she wanted more than I could give and I had to draw the line. She was ready for marriage and children and settling down. I was 19 and wanting nothing more than to leave my hometown of Warren, PA. I had begun to consider ministry as my calling so she wanted to be a pastor's wife (I must say that is always weird to me when girls made the statement they want to be a pastor's wife and I have heard it several times) and my eyes were set toward ENC, a college in Boston but the funds weren't there so I planned to return to community college. We ended things at Creation music festival, which I still feel horrible about (though I did try to end it before we left but that wasn't acceptable). I tried to be a leader in our little group at the festival but the breakup and whatnot kind of put a damper on the event as a whole and things didn't work out and I wanted.
We didn't exactly handle breaking up well and we weren't good at being friends. I said a lot of things about her and toward her that were hurtful and she did the same. Oddly, even though it wasn't a relationship I particularly cared about being a part of if I am honest about it and I wanted to end it, I was a bit upset at the emptiness she filled that was now painfully obvious. She was a body in a place where there wasn't before and it was nice to have her around but I see now how selfish that was and unfair to her.
After Alaina there were a few girls that would peak my interest at the community college and around Warren, PA. One girl hung around with me and my crew we called JoJo. She was a great girl and a lot of fun but she wasn't interested in me and that was pretty apparent early on I think and she ended up with my friend Nate. I was fine with that though I messed with Nate a little for fun. At community college, a girl that was in one of my classes ended up sitting next to me at graduation. We talked most of the ceremony and I came to wish I had talked to her prior to this but we wouldn't be seeing each other again. Right after graduation I was heading to Pittsburgh for a baseball game and after that I'd begin my summer job and head off to Ohio where I could afford to go to college (I still wanted to go to Boston though).
At Mount Vernon I was determined to change the course that I was on and figured it was a start to a new life. There were new people to become friends with and maybe someone to be in a relationship with. I was quite frustrated in the first month or so as I couldn't seem to find the courage to interact with the girls that were intriguing...at least not in a way that produced results I was looking for. I did find some great friends though and many of them are still great friends.
Along came Debbie after about a month and knocked me off my feet and into a dangerous spiral. My tunnel vision created to her be perfect and she became my god for over a year. Debbie didn't express her interest directly to me as Alaina did but I could tell and was eventually told by a friend. My confidence was high knowing she wanted to be with me and there was no risk of rejection, much like with Alaina but that's about the end of the similarities. I tried not to let things get out of hand but they did as we had quite the lust filled affair I believed to be love. It seemed every three months Debbie's uncertainly surfaced and we probably should have called it quits but I apparently said the right and did the right things to convince her this was a good thing we had going on and we continued for 11 months.
Much like me when I was 19, Debbie wasn't ready to settle down and she ended up messing around with another guy so we ended right when I was about ready to ask her to marry me. We said and did some awful things toward each other in year or so following.
That dangerous spiral I started on when we hooked up continued for several more months and I dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies as I tried to figure out a life without her and come to understand the meaning of it all. Eventually I refocused my faith on God, the true God, and got my life under control somewhat. Debbie and I patched things up not long ago and she and I can interact as friends. I let her go right around the time of her wedding and on that day I did not feel any of the animosity that had plagued me on and off since her departure from my life.
Now and then I think about what we had and even though it was all ill advised there were parts I truly miss and hope to experience in the right setting again someday but as for Debbie and I, we are better people not joined by romance.
Surrounding both Alaina and Debbie was one girl I hadn't mentioned up to this point. Laura. I met her surrounding a mission trip to Mexico. I still can't put my finger on it but there was something special about her but I never made a move. My original excuse was that she lived an hour away from me (lame, I know). One day my friend Joe and I decided to take my dad's truck and visited her not even knowing how to get to her house. I learned on that day I have a knack for finding unknown places with little more help than a road map. She lived on Moon Road in St. Mary's, PA and so I drove until I found Earth Road and figured Moon shouldn't be far off and I was right. I pulled up front and asked her dad if she was home and she was. That was pretty cool and probably the craziest thing I ever did to spend time with a girl. I recall her asking me to attend a dance with her but I declined for no good reason and regret that still. We talked on the phone now and then and communicated through email. I was always captivated by her but never expressed this to her. It seems everyone else know I was crazy about her. She probably did to but I never had the courage to make a move.
When I hooked up with Alaina, I tried to figure out if Laura felt the same way I did but I made a bit of a mistake. At that time there was this instant message service called ICQ (I don't know if anyone still uses this or not) and I decided that I should ask her by sending her a message but it turned out I sent that message to Alaina. I did my best to cover up this mistake but I don't think I was very convincing.
After Alaina and I broke up, I would spend time with Laura whenever I could but never made a move because I knew I'd be leaving soon for some distant college. Though the one hour drive wasn't a big issue anymore I was expecting to be in Boston and that distance seemed too much. I ended up in Ohio and every time I came home I made plans to see Laura and did so.
Debbie and I hooked up over one of my winter breaks. I was in Warren, PA for Christmas and New Years and Laura came up to the New Year's party. I again wondered if maybe I should find out if Laura felt the same way I did but I didn't attempt to find out by any instant message system or anything. I spent the New Year's party thinking mostly of Debbie and overcame the temptation to try to do anything to find out if there was a chance with Laura but I would continue to visit her any chance I got which was upsetting to Debbie. I was a bit of an idiot and didn't realize this as obvious as it should have been to me.
Debbie and I broke up just before Thanksgiving break and this was when Laura and I ended up getting rather close. We went to a movie and held hands and what not and I stayed at her house and we fell asleep on the couch. Nate made this trip to see her with me. When I came back home over winter break she kissed me on the cheek on New Years. We had spent several overnights hanging out and I was determined when I saw her again over summer break I would make my move. I was convinced I loved her but just needed to build up the courage to tell her.
Laura ended up meeting a guy and getting seriously involved with him. It killed me to see her with him knowing I missed my opportunity but could I blame her? I had done the same thing to her and if she felt anything like I did it had to have killed her too. We somewhat lost touch over the next year. When I moved back to PA to work in a ministry, Laura came to spend New Year's with me. She never mentioned the old boyfriend but I hated it when people brought up the failed romances to me after the fact so I didn't ever ask. Shortly after this I ended up moving back to Ohio and came to find out he had broken up with her and probably broke her heart. She assumed I knew and I told her I didn't know and didn’t want to bring it up. I of course wondered about whether she was still with him but didn't want to bring it up. I just wanted to enjoy the night.
From that New Year's Day we never saw each other again. She contacted me when she planned to join the military because she needed a reference from me for some reason. Next thing I knew she was getting married. I thought about doing one of those movie style declarations of my love to her before she got married but that never happened. Her husband contacted me after I moved to Cincinnati needing my information for that military reference she needed and I somehow offended him and he went on a tirade about the evil of hippies. I decided at that point I didn't want anything to do with him and thus figure I will probably never see her again. I have moved on and have no desire to pursue Laura anymore even though I regret having never taken the risk of finding out if we both felt the same way.
Back at college in Mount Vernon there were a few post-Debbie girls but things didn't pan out. A few happened to be way cool and nice; I met them in the aftermath of the break up and it wasn't a good idea but I wanted something to happen. A couple made if clear early on they weren't interested and I respected that and we had good friendships without expectation.
There is one particular girl, Emily, who confused me in what she was wanting, if anything, from me. She seemed to reciprocate the interest and this was the first real perceived opportunity since Debbie and I thought we were coming together quite nicely. I was feeling that I should disclose some of the things in my past she probably had a right to know about since honesty is important but before we ever got around to sitting down and talking it out she seemed to change her interest toward someone else and I ended up hibernating for a while getting caught up on my schoolwork that I had let go most of the semester. We really didn't hang out much until the end of the school year and we went our separate ways. We ended up getting together again, so to speak, a few years later and it was more of the same confusing circumstances and ended with her seemingly no longer interested at all. I never could figure her out and decided that it wasn't worth trying to figure out anyway. It was way too complicated for me. I got the feeling she wanted me to be someone slightly different that who I was but I could be wrong...at any rate, if she couldn't like me for who I am then there wasn't any point in going forward.
In the Mansfield area was AshLee. She was a member of Shelby church and it seemed she was interested in me but at that time she was quite young and I didn't want to get into anything like that. Around the time she turned 18 she was seeing someone else. She had an interest in some good music so I made one mix for her after she went on and on about another one I made for all my friends. When she started going to college we began to hang out again (when she was single) over her winter break and she caught my eye in a significant way. I thought things might have been heading in the right direction again yet I was guarded. She and I stopped communicating for some reason. She ended up pregnant and I never pursued after this figuring there was probably someone else involved. Other than that any girl while I was in Mansfield that caught my eye were short lived interests as I would find out they were seeing someone else and I wanted no part of that.
Since being in Cincinnati, I have come to meet a lot of people and found many acquaintances and a good number of friends. The girl situation? I don't even know what to say. There is a defense mechanism I believe I have created since that break up with Debbie. I had opened myself up completely to Debbie and have not really been able to do that for anyone since being hurt so badly. Even though you are my friends I hold you at arms length even though I am trying to be an open book and honest much like a personal hero of mine. I haven't quite figured out how to breakdown this self-created barrier that I use to guard myself from pain. Please believe me when I say I am trying and it will take time. Be patient with me if you can and I will one day let you in as far as you chose to be.
When it comes to becoming friends with people I am more of a wallflower at first and begin talking to one person out of a group who also is generally more reserved and not the center of attention. We end up having our own little conversations and maybe become friends more than acquaintances. I am never the person that will be the center of attention and usually try to avoid it when it’s directed toward me. There has always been the loud person or people in every friend group I am part of that demand attention. I and usually those who become my closer friends (usually more so than the rest of the acquaintances) are fine not being the attention and it seems to work well. As different as we all are we all seem to be friends anyway and I love having friends of all sorts. It's more interesting that way.
In regards to romance I am very awkward. I have found myself to be someone that acts aloof (or distant if ya don't know). I play it cool but I really don't have much self-confidence. I never have taken a risk. I don't really even make much of an effort. I don't know how many times I wish I would yet I don't and I end up coming up quite ticked at myself for not taking a risk or at least making an effort. I really don't like this part of who I am but I don't know how to change it because it is who I am. Any time I have tried to change it I get nervous and revert back to this. How will I ever find a romantic type relationship by being like this?
In writing all this I am not necessarily feeling incomplete or anything. Valentine's day always tends to be one of those days that single people are very aware they are single and I believe even the most content desire to some degree a relationship on a day like this. I usually am quite content. I know the "rocknroll" life I have lived the last 4 or 5 years wouldn't have been possible without the freedom I have had. I don't necessarily want to lose that freedom but it would be nice to have someone who is always there. I know that God is always there and I am totally content with that but I think many understand what I mean that it would be nice to have someone physically there you can depend on to pretty much be there no matter what. Someone to call up and do something with. Maybe it's not that far off...who knows?
One more Valentine's Day gone alone.
