Friday, December 31, 2010

The 10 Great Things Of 2010

I had a habit of trying to write out a year in review the last couple years but I don't feel like doing so this time so Here's a highlight of 10 moments that are worth thinking about from 2010:

1. God is faithful. God is alive and moving. This could have been a very rough year but there was peace throughout the uncertainty and chaos that can only come through God. Leaving behind some of the things that come with denominations and doctrine was helpful in opening me to experience this. God is too big to be defined by one person's ideology. I feel I came to better understand this over the last few years and though I am thankful for my roots and what I have been taught, I know there is more of God to be experienced and I don't want to limit how God works with preconceived ideas. I am trying to be open to the possibilities beyond what I am comfortable with or know about. Thanks to those who have been part of Witler House, the 86'd crew and all the communities surrounding them both. You have meant more than you could ever know.

2. 86Ministries and the 86 Club beginning and taking shape and the ministry that has already begun. I believe this is will be an incredible ministry and has been key to my staying in Cincinnati. It's been a leap of faith for so many of us involved but God has provided when we needed it. On a personal, side note: if you are able, it would mean a lot if you could support what we are doing. go to http://86ministries.com then go to give and see what areas in which we need help.

3. My house! 4114 Witler is home for now and I am excited about the possibilities of what can be done in this space. So far, I have opened it up for a few concerts and allowed friends in bands to stay when they needed. I do intend to submit the house to RYFO to hopefully expand the ability to help artists who need it by providing a place to rest or play a small house show. Currently Phillip Smith is the only other resident in a house that can easily hold up to five people so in the coming year I hope to find others interested in living in community at this house to join us here.

4. The last show I booked/put on at Covenant. The lineup and all the people involved in it made this a night to remember for a very long time. I can't think of a better way to end my time with Covenant than what happened that night and with my friends new and old.

5. The show at Covenant on Good Friday. There was a special movement of the Spirit that night that I for one felt and even with some uncertainty swirling around me as to the future there was peace on this night and Mark Nicks (of Cool Hand Luke) had some good things to say and good music to share.

6. Having bands play house shows in my house. It was a thrill to have Deadhorse, The Never Setting Suns, Sacred Spirits, Jonathan Hape, Silent Tongues, Bear (The Ghost), and Wild Talents amongst others play in the basement. Hoping this continues in some way even after the 86 Club opens.

7. All the wonderful friends I met through putting together concerts. This bleeds back to 2009 as well. I am so glad that I could continue to work with you even after the end of my time at Covenant. I am excited to see what is to come. Most importantly, I am glad to know each of you and call you my friends.

8. Cornerstone. This will probably always be on a list of highlights of my year because simply it is a highlight of every year. I will add to this for the third year a highlight of the autumn season has been going to Unified Underground. both events have been inspiring and refreshing each time I go.

9. Building relationships in the Cincinnati D.IY. community and the opportunities to reach out within that to host shows that probably would otherwise never have come to Covenant which has led to the opportunity to open up my basement for some shows since moving in to the house. There are great things going on within this and hopefully it can continue strong.

10. Reconciliation…enough said.


Favorite 10 Albums of 2010 (that I can think of currently); going to go with Alphabetical Order by Artist here:

1. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Beat The Devil's Tattoo
2. The Chariot - Long Live
3. Deadhorse - We Can Create Our Own World
4, Flatfoot56 - Black Thorn
5. For Today - Breaker
6. Never Setting Suns - And Now We Are Not Alone
7. Pomegranates - One Of Us
8. Psalters - Ch. 7
9. Strength Within - Things We Speak Of
10. The Trigger Code - No Preparation For Parting

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I Am Thankful

This year, I am very aware that God is in control and couldn't possibly be more thankful that that is true. I lived with so much uncertainty the first few months of the year and if it was up to me, I probably would have left Cincinnati shortly after Cornerstone to live in Pittsburgh or something. Instead with my exit from Covenant along with my losing the resources to book and promote shows came a new opportunity to get on board with whatever is in store with The 86 Club and 86ministries. The final two shows at Covenant were great! Many friends shared those last days with me and it was apparent to me that God was there too and the Holy Spirit moved in the place. After the exit, I have been blessed with the time to help with the destruction and renovations of the 86. In this time I continued in another transition to working with Walk of Joy exclusively (and leaving SupportCare) along with a paper route. Though these aren't the most ideal job situations, they have allowed me to pay all my bills mostly on time and afford some extra things here and there as well. I am so excited to see what comes in 2011 with the opening of the 86 and Vineyard Uptown who has joined in and will share the ministry space with the 86.

I am also thankful for the new place to live at a very affordable price. Part of the 86 Club building is two apartments. I had asked to live in one and was waiting for the renovations to complete for that to happen when I was asked if I might want to move into a house on Witler Street. I checked the place out and was amazed that it was in such good condition for such a low monthly rent with no lease. I accepted the offer and just after officially moving in, put on my first house show! At this point I have one other house mate and hope in time that a few others will move in as well. I also plan to make the house available when I can for other shows when I'm not involved with one at the 86 Club as well as make the house available for bands needing somewhere to stay during their travels.

I am thankful for the many friends I have in Cincinnati that supported me through the year in prayer and giving correction and advice when I needed it. I have never been happier in a "church" as I have been at the Witler House and love that I now live just two doors down from it. I am very excited about the opportunity to be starting into a new ministry (86ministries.com) with Chris and Monica Human as well as the rest of the crew (Josh, Cindy, Chris, Jon & Becky, and Melissa). There is a vision here that cannot be ignored and so far the blessings of God to make it this far have been amazing and so fun to see as they happen. I am thankful as well for my family and the fact they support what I want to do and feel called to do even if it doesn't make sense to them.

Finally, I am thankful for reconciliation. Life is too short for people to hold things against each other. I don't want to hold on to any anger or bitterness and certainly hope that others don't hold anything against me. I have made a point to reconcile with a few others this past year and hope that forgiveness has come from those I have forgiven.

If there is anything I have learned recently, it is to trust in God to lead. God does a better job than we can ever do on our own. Often times we aren't patient or faithful enough to wait on God to lead or even listen when He does but as I have come to be open to the Truth even more this year, I have also come to experience the joy of following the Holy Spirit's leading.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Three Years in Cincinnati

It's been just over three years as a resident of Cincinnati and more specifically, Northside. I reflected on my first year anniversary of living here but didn't take the time to do so at the second. I guess partially due to my being busy booking shows at that time with Covenant, working full time with SupportCare and trying to manage a way to step down to part time if I could swing getting financial support from Covenant or something.

I guess I decided to write at this time to share the exciting journey through life that God has given me this past year which surpasses anything that happened the previous years.

Ever since moving here I desired a more significant role at Covenant but never was too sure what that meant. After that first year was completed, Covenant moved into a new building providing an opportunity to embrace something I felt that Lord had placed in me so I brought it up to Abe (pastor of Covenant). I was serving with him and his wife Joni at Covenant. Covenant was my reason for even moving to Cincinnati in the first place. I worked for SupportCare because it was the first job I could find that would allow me to go through the open door. I found a small apartment on the corner of Hamilton and Chase that was suitable though a bit cramped.

Around the same time as Covenant was blessed with a larger building to occupy, I along with my friend Chris Human went to Unified Underground where I felt compelled to be involved in some way in the local underground music scene...personally I felt most drawn to the punk subculture but in Cincinnati its rather small.. It seemed from the conversation with Abe that this was something Covenant would also like to embrace so I began seeking the opportunities to do so. It took until January 2009 for the first of what would be many opportunities to book and manage a show. That opportunity came with a good friend from my days in Mansfield, Jonathan Hape. That first show was an enjoyable though low key event lasting little more than an hour and a half but laid the ground work of what was to come. The next opportunity came in early April where I used the room designated for shows though this was probably more suitable than sanctuary with another northern Ohio friend who now resides in Nashville.

As the year went on I had the privilege of working with many bands and in July at Cornerstone Festival I felt a deeper calling in that I wanted to work with bands who weren't necessarily Christians and whose audience was not necessarily Christians. I began feeling that my place may not be at Covenant and when bringing up the possibility of working outside Christian music to Abe I was prepared to walk away if he did not see the value in this. Abe once again seems to embrace my vision so I continued on doing shows at Covenant. As things progressed and became very busy and more and more responsibility was being required of me at SupportCare, I asked Covenant to provide some financial support so I could dedicate myself to the ministry to the artists and the subculture. Though it wasn't quite what I asked for and took longer to kick in, the support finally came in November. In the meantime I attended the Cincinnati CCDA event where I learned a few things and noticed a focus on racial reconciliation that is very important though I feel even more important would be a focus on changing the culture than making folks feel guilty for being born in white middle class America. The weekend before this I once again went to Unified Underground where God affirmed my calling to work in the musical subcultures and with artists. I got to see a number of friends from bands and other towns and observed other artists I wanted to work with and would in the coming year.

It was also around this time that I found myself involved with the Witler Street house church and community surrounding it. I began to feel more that this was my home church than Covenant as I felt more and more disconnected from Covenant. I wasn't really in the loop as to what was going on there anymore but I continued to pursue my calling booking mostly indie bands though now and then getting the opportunity to work with punk, hardcore, and even goth. In December, I had the privilege to finally put on a show that was without any Christian bands. It went very well, the bands were very respectful of my requests there were in place out of respect for the church facility and the ministries that occur there. It was such a good event that we decided to do a second event in January that went equally as well.

Though the shows were going well and having an amazing impact, My life was headed into a cloud of uncertainty as 2010 began. One of the developmentally disabled individuals I worked with at my now part time job ended up dying in mid January as I was waiting for the financial issues at Covenant to be ironed out with the promise that I would be reimbursed. I was in a pretty rough spot financially. In a meeting with Abe I  was told that I would not be receiving support any longer. That night I worked on one of the toughest shows so far. It was a Haiti benefit show that was with punk bands that aren't Christians and though it was a great outreach, they were much less respectful of the requests I had given as before to respect the church facility and ministries that occur there than the previous attempts.

At the meeting that day as Abe left and I began setting things up for the show, I felt I needed to re-evaluate what to do. I told Abe to find another van driver for that Sunday at least and ended up not attending service at Covenant. I was a bit upset by the decision that I would not be supported any longer and felt it better to take time away than to go there with the bitterness I felt and possibly say or do something I could regret. From there I ended up covering some shifts at work that interfered with Sunday services and eventually took on a permanent Sunday shift that would not allow for me to attend Covenant on Sundays. I tried for a while to continue attending Wednesday evening services regularly but in time that became less frequent. In March, I booked the two shows for the month on back to back nights. I had to cancel one of the shows two days prior to it happening due to a scheduling conflict at Covenant which was out of my hands. After dealing with this, I requested a calendar of events which led to another meeting with Abe and this time Joni was there as well. Sadly, this meeting didn't go very well from my perspective. I went into it feeling this was probably going to reveal my time at Covenant would be coming to a close. I was asked what my plans were and I did not have a clear answer. There were two concerts planned for April and so I was told that they would be my last until I could determine my plans from this point. I respected that decision though what was said next was taken hard by me and confirmed the end of my working relationship with Covenant. I was asked if I wanted to continue with Covenant I must find employment that will work around Covenant anytime that they wanted me to be available. I felt this was an unreasonable request. Along with this was a debate on the start time of the last scheduled show. This led to harsh words. I felt I was being reasonable to ask for compromise but it seems Abe and Joni didn't see it that way and so we could not come to an agreement.

I made a few calls and confirmed a few bands to make these final shows the best they could possibly be as well as let a few close friends know that my time with Covenant would be done after April. I was given some good advice and had some good feedback and went on with the plans for these shows.

Both shows were amazing and Spirit filled and had fairly good turnouts. Many friends were at the last one especially which was a night to remember. After the shows I moved all the gear out to my tiny apartment and made one last appearance on a Sunday morning at Covenant to say my goodbye. Things continued to be somewhat strained between Covenant and I but I want to be sure it is known that some reconciliation was made in October that should allow for healing. There were wrongs on both sides and things said that should never have been said. I would say the reasons are because I invested a lot into Covenant as did Abe and Joni and we both cared for the aspects we were part of so the passion led to tempers flaming. No excuses really but it's sadly the way things go with humanity.

In the time since leaving Covenant, The 86 Club (http://86ministries.com) became my passion. I only work 20 hours a week now, mostly on the weekends. This is with Walk of Joy who I joined technically in October. I quit with SupportCare in May due to being frustrated with where the company was heading. I was also doing a paper route by this time every night so I didn't need to continue working all 3 jobs. Things moved forward with the purchase of Top Cats in Clifton and the Humans made The 86 Club a reality so I have spent many weekdays helping with the renovations and at this point the club should open in January 2011. In the meantime we have held a Bible Study called the Connection. I have also continued to be part of the Witler community and as usual went back to Cornerstone.

Part of the plans for the 86 Club include apartments in the building. I had interest in living in one of the apartments and was waiting for this to happen. In August, a house was shown to me on Witler Street just two houses down from "The Witler House" so I checked it out and was blessed to move into the house. The plan for this house is to have a total of 5 guys living in community in the house as well as use the basement for live music. Three shows have happened so far: Deadhorse with locals twice and a hardcore show. So far it seems these shows are going well.

What does this mean?

I definitely feel that I am to minister in the music scene. I will use this house to do it by providing space for bands to stay if they need it and hosting house shows in the basement when I'm not working with the 86 Club. Once things get somewhat organized in the house after the move I will submit the house to RYFO to join the network and become available to those traveling artists needing hospitality. I will be helping in all ways possible at the 86 Club in whatever ways they chose to put me to use. Besides the live concert venue and the Connection Bible Study, there is plans for studios, practice spaces, and hostels for bands to use and plans to be open during the week for folks to come in for coffee or to relax. Basically, There is a ton of potential with this club and ministry that I will plug into in whatever ways I can and they need me to. The Vineyard church is also going to be meeting at the 86 Club location so I will see if there is a place to minister alongside the Vineyard. I felt in the midst of the chaos that clouded much of the beginning of this year I wasn't sure I was going to stay in Cincinnati but it seems God has purpose for me here and I will continue doing whatever it takes to follow whatever God is leading me to do. Cincinnati is home for the now. God is good and this year has been a blessing even as crazy as it seemed.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Can You Help Get 86ministries Started?


Some of you may remember back in April I had sent out several emails regarding a new ministry and concert venue that I was quite excited about and excited to be part of called 86ministries. The last email I sent was regarding the purchase of the building. 86ministries has not entirely secured the purchase of the building yet. $10,000 was put down with an agreement to come up with another $40,000 by July 17th and in the meantime we would begin to prepare the building for our purposes. In the time since, we were able with the help of volunteers to clean out the entire building of trash and remove some walls that were water damaged. From the time we came in until now, the building has undergone a huge improvement but we had an urgent financial hurdle to overcome; the $50,000 down payment for the building was due by July 17th.  As of last week, we had secured $36,500 of the $50,000 required, leaving a balance of $13,500 to be raised.
 
Many of you joined us in prayer for this need to be met by July 17th.
 
Well, God answered our prayers...but not exactly how we expected.  Due to the sellers not having the land contract completed and submitted to us for legal counsel to review, an extension had to be filed so we now have a new due date of 7/26.  We thank God for miraculously providing us with more time to raise the balance due.
 
I know many of you are like me and don't have a lot of extra cash sitting around. First and foremost, we believe in the goodness of God and that God wouldn't give this vision and bless us with the means to get this far without following through to the end as long as we are also faithful to follow God's leading. Prayers are important and it would be awesome if you could join with us in prayer that God will provide as is promised in Scripture. Anything that anyone can give will help tremendously so if you are able to help us out in anyway, Please contact Chris Human at #513.368.6554 orchris@86ministries.com . If you happen to be or know any of the following that are local to Cincinnati please contact Chris as well.

Are you a business owner?
Are you friends with a business owner?
Do you regularly support a local business?

Would you consider providing us with the names of business owners that we might approach regarding advertising or sponsorship?  The 86 club is located just one block from University of Cincinnati's campus with 38,000 students who could be exposed to their brand.  Additionally, we would love to speak with anyone who sees the benefit in the mission of 86 Ministries.  86 Ministries is impacting community and culture through positive alternatives for students and young adults.  Together, with your help, we can make a difference.  Please contact Chris at #513.368.6554 orchris@86ministries.com .
 
Do you have 2 friends that you would forward this message to?
 
Thank you for your support and prayers, again I know that many of you receiving this from me don't have this kind of money sitting around but I appreciate you reading this and believe that in a week there will be rejoicing to be shared with all of you as we move forward!

Joel Swanson

Sunday, April 18, 2010

86ministries Acquired Top Cats

We are THRILLED to be able to share with you that we have signed the contract for the building on Vine Street in Clifton! God has done miraculous things to bring us to this point...and it's only just begun!

THANK YOU to everyone who contributed so far to help make this possible. We couldn't have done it without you!

People are already asking us..."How can I help?". There are several ways that you can make a difference....
1. Tell people about 86 Ministries by fowarding this message, mentioning our website and spreading the word about what we're doing. Encourage people to sign up for our e-newsletter. You can easily forward this message by clicking the "forward email" link at the bottom of this message.
2. One IMMEDIATE NEED we have is for $1,100 by this Monday, 4/19, towards our deposit. Beyond Monday, there are additional funds to be raised to help cover inspections, closing costs, building renovations, etc. Tax-deductible dontations of any amount can be made online at:
https://secure.pledgeconnect.com/donation.aspx?86ministries
3. Another IMMEDIATE NEED is for a commercial building inspection and appraisal. If you know of anyone that might be interested and able to provide these services and have a heart to help our ministry, please contact us ASAP!
4. Once the inspections are complete, we will be having work days to clean and organize the building. There is a LOT of work to be done and we would love your help. Just shoot us an email (info@86ministries.com) if you would like to be a part of the clean-up process and we will keep you the loop.
5. Once the building is cleaned up, we will be holding an OPEN HOUSE for you and your friends to come in and check the place out!
6. We are working on setting up our Twitter account and Facebook Fan page. These will enable us to connect with even more people. Details coming soon.

We are so excited for the great things...GOD things...that lie ahead. Together, we will provide hope and acceptance for the rejected and neglected and we will impact Corryville with the love of Jesus.

God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond that which
we can think or imagine.
Ephesians 3:20
Future Home of 86 Ministries




Sincerely,

Chris & Monica Human, Founders
86 Ministries
chris@86ministries.com
monica@86ministries.com

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sign Up for the 86ministries Newsletter

If you'd like to find out more about what's going on with 86ministries you should go to http://86ministries.com and sign up for the e-newsletter where you'd receive regular updates. If you haven't already, please consider donating to the purchase of a building. It would mean so much!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Help 86ministries Through Online Donation!

Hello everyone,

Many people have asked about the possibility of being able to give to 86
Ministries online monthly. Our online giving is now up and running. With
this tool you can give a one time gift or set it up for a recurring gift to
come out of your account automatically at the interval of your choice
(weekly, biweekly, monthly, etc). 86 Ministries is an established 501c3
organization and these gifts are tax deductible.

The link is:
https://secure.pledgeconnect.com/86ministries

If you are not one of the ones who have asked, I apologize for the email.
However, it would be great if you would consider giving to 86 Ministries on
an ongoing basis. There are great things coming!!!

Please forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

Thank you,
Chris Human

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Update from 86ministries.com

I received this email today so I wanted to send it along to whoever might be interested that didn't already get it. I apologize to those who already got the message and I am cluttering your email but this is important stuff as far as I am concerned and it needs to get to as many people as it can!

If you can help out the cause in anyway, go to http://86ministries.com.

Joel

Hey guys,


So many people have been asking for an update of what is going on with the opportunity with the building.


We are still pressing on towards the attempt to purchase the building. Approximately $7,000 came in donations over the last week.

Also, we have had many people express interest in giving to the ministry on a monthly basis. This is exactly what we will need if the purchase happens to make the ministry work long term. We should have the online giving portal up and running this week. We will email everyone when that happens.


We have 3 possible options for purchase of the property:

1. Getting a conventional mortgage loan from a bank to purchase the property. (most desirable, and most unlikelydue to the state of the lending market)

2. Getting a personal loan from an individual to purchase the property.

3. Getting a personal loan from an individual for the down payment, so that the owners will finance the purchase themselves.

3 things currently in the works, that could use prayer.


1. My brother as it turns out is friends with a CFO of a division of 5/3 bank. My brother spoke to him about what we are doing. He made some calls and the people he spoke with within 5/3 bank said they would like to help us. So, Thursday I had a meeting with a representative from 5/3 bank and he is now shopping our opportunity around inside of 5/3 to see if he can get support to give us a commercial mortgage loan. This is ideal by far of all situations if we could get a conventional mortgage loan from 5/3 bank up front. This is also by far unfortunately possibly the most unlikely of the 3 scenarios

2. We have contacted an individual of great means who has expressed interest in helping financially with our ministry in the past. He and his wife are praying and considering loaning us the full $225,000 for the purchase of the building.

3. A member of a band that used to play at The Underground spoke to his parents, and they are considering loaning us $25,000 to get us up to the amount needed to do a down payment with the owners of the property so that they will do the financing themselves.


While all of this is going on, there are 3 other groups interested in the property and trying to pull resources together tomake the purchase.


So, there is great opportunity for this to happen.

All of the above could use a great deal of prayer.

Peace,
Chris and Monica

Thursday, March 25, 2010

URGENT and Important information about an Exciting Opportunity

Monica and I have an urgent and exciting opportunity to share with you. We would much rather share this information in person, but due to the time-sensitive nature, that was not an option.

Will you please take a couple minutes to read the attached letter?

If you have any questions, we would love to talk with or meet with you.

Feel free to post this, forward this and share this with friends or individuals you think might be interested.

We appreciate YOU!
Chris & Monica Human

The attached letter is on the homepage of the new website:

http://86ministries.com/

It would mean the world to a lot of people if you can help out!

Joel

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Last Hope & The Skies Revolt Need Help!

In regards to the show scheduled on Saturday January 23rd at Covenant:

For anyone that came out or thought about coming to this show last night I want to apologize that it wasn't as advertising. I received word while Set Sights Forward was getting ready to play from the guys on the road (The Last Hope and The Skies Revolt) that their vehicle had broken down in Lebanon, Indiana and they would not be able to make it. As of 11am they were still stranded in Lebanon, Indiana looking for help from someone that might be handy with diesel vehicles.

If you happen to be one of these handy folks and interested in helping out some good guys their myspaces are:

The Last Hope
http://myspace.com/thelasthope

The Skies Revolt
http://myspace.com/theskiesrevolt

I assume if they have access to post they are stuck then they have access to receive inquiries from anyone willing and able to help.

I hope to be able to book both bands in the near future but that will be determined once they get their transportation problems solved, return to their respective homes and regroup.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Invisible?

Tonight I had planned to have friends together to watch the Cornerstone 2009 video project I had put together. It seemed the one from last year was enjoyed by most and so I thought the same would be the case with this one. So far, it seems people have had busier lives or something so viewing as a group has not happened yet. I have watched it once to make sure it worked properly but no one else has gotten to see it so far...maybe no one else cares to see it.

I had planned the viewing event with a friend who seems quite excited about seeing it so a date was set based on coinciding schedules and the word was sent out to others in our common circle of friends in hopes a good number would come together to enjoy the time and watch the video. A few days ago, prior to the planned viewing, I found out that same friend would be out of town and at the time of viewing no one else showed up either. Some other folks were out of town and others were busy with other things while many just didn't come. Some had excuses and others did not.

This seems to be a common theme with the things I try to organize. I don't organize events to bring glory to myself but because I enjoy the company of my friends. I organize concerts because I love the music, I love the artists, and I want to spend time with my friends in that setting. So far, very few of my friends have bothered to attend the concerts I have organized. I understand this is probably somewhat due to my taste in music hitting certain extremes that others I know don't care for but many of the shows I have put together fell within the confines of a pretty general listening audience. So where are my friends on those nights? I suppose one reason some folks might not come out to the shows is due to our location being in a "scary" neighborhood (personally I find that to be a very lame excuse...no offense but that's how I feel). I guess people are busy living their lives. Shows on weeknights probably are hard for many of my friends. I don't expect as many to come out on weeknights but I have to do these shows based on the availability of the bands touring about half the shows I have organized were on weeknights. Many of my friends do say they are coming out to these events but never do. So where are my friends?

I go to a lot of events on my own because I enjoy them. I know at most events, I will at least know someone else there. I go to a lot of events friends of mine are responsible for organizing but so far this is not reciprocated by their attendance at mine. I don't write to whine and complain. I don't feel I am so important that people should drop what they are doing to pay attention to whatever it is I have my hands in. I write this because I am frustrated by the feeling that I mean very little to most folks around me most of the time unless they want my help or want people to come to something they are doing. I am always willing to help my friends and I want to support the things they are doing. I don't expect all my friends to be available at all times. That would be ridiculous. I just wish they would be available some of the time. So far, its been very, very rare. I suppose I could just stop involving myself in the events of my friends and keep myself busy with other things but I don't want to. I enjoy being a part of the group of people I have considered to me my friends. Maybe it's a one way road but nonetheless I consider them my friends. I enjoy supporting their endeavors or helping them when they need it so I won't stop being there for them. It's not that they aren't there for me but times like this makes it feel they aren't there often if ever. As I read this back I feel like I am coming off as selfish so I probably should just delete it but at the same time I want to do my best to be open and honest and maybe this is the place it will happen until I can be better at it in person.

These feelings I am sure will pass on as soon as the trials of life end up back in the normal state of less stress and frustration but right now I feel this way so I figured I would be honest and write it out so I won't delete it and I will continue until I can get it out of my system (warning this could get long if its not already).

I suppose many of those I call my friends are busy being husbands or wives or parents or students or working at whatever profession they have chosen. I guess when you are a single late 20s guy whose job hours end in the morning or early afternoon there is possibly a bit too much empty time for me to occasionally dwell on the loneliness my life can bring. Overall, I have enjoyed my solitude. I am amongst people when I choose to be and if I want to be alone I can be. It can serve me well I guess but I feel quite invisible to many people around me that I care about. There is a reoccurring feeling that it wouldn't matter much if I was here or not (not in the suicidal way). I could move to a new place amongst strangers and feel the same way I do at this moment amongst these friends. I don't necessarily think it's anything they are overtly doing or if they even realize how I feel. I'm not the type that openly expresses things like this often (though I am right now in this way because its all I can do...right now anyway).

I guess I am looking for a closeness I'm not currently experiencing but not sure how to express it properly. I want to have people to go out and enjoy an evening with when I'm not going to a show or putting on a show. I want people I can call or stop by and visit without feeling like I might be intruding on their private space or personal time. I miss the friends I had that were like that when I a late teenager/early 20s graduating high school, entering college, and in college. Maybe I just haven't grown up yet because I am doing a lot of the same things I did then. I enjoy the life I live, I guess it doesn't have the stability I would need to settle down into anything else than what I do but nonetheless, I enjoy this life. I have other friends who seem to be living in similar ways as I do, maybe I just need to make myself more available to them and they will do the same...

I seem have a closer relationship now with some people in my life where there is a long physical distance and that's a great things but at this particular moment and others in recent memory feel very distant to some of those near me. I guess the question is, am I pushing people away or not embracing the relationships that are there? Is it something I am doing that I don't realize? What can be done to change the current course to end these feelings? Is it even something that matters or will it go away when the stresses of this last week are resolved? (if I had the answer I wouldn't have typed this out in this cold church waiting with hopes someone might show up to watch the Cornerstone video).